How to Rekindle the Flame
Imagine the early years of your relationship, where everything seems magical, and you can’t get enough of each other. Over time, however, the physical intimacy you once shared begins to fade, until it becomes an unspoken issue that neither of you feels comfortable addressing.
A sexless marriage is characterized by minimal or no sexual activity between partners. Some experts define it as lacking sexual intimacy for a year or longer, while others consider a month without sexual intercourse as the criterion. Many married couples find the physical aspect of their relationship plateauing, especially in the early years of marriage or after having children. If both partners are content with this arrangement, it generally doesn’t pose an issue. However, often one or both partners may feel frustrated or hurt by the diminishing physical intimacy. When intimacy disappears from a previously engaging relationship, it signals a problem that needs addressing. Fortunately, there are ways to navigate this situation both as a couple and individually, starting with identifying the root cause.
Frequent Causes of a Sexless Marriage
Health Concerns
An individual’s physical and mental health can significantly influence their libido and interest in physical intimacy. Health problems and disabilities can interfere with the physiological processes of arousal in both men and women.
Sexual dysfunction is relatively common, impacting approximately 43% of women and 31% of men. If these challenges persist for more than a few months or start causing difficulties for you or your partner, consulting a healthcare professional is advisable.
Unequal Sex Drives
Individuals naturally have varying levels of sexual desire, which can fluctuate over time. When partners’ sexual desires do not align, they might end up postponing intimacy until both are in the mood, a scenario that may occur infrequently. It isn’t always a problem, mismatched sex drives can lead to feelings of rejection for the partner with a high libido and feelings of guilt or annoyance for the partner with a low libido.
Childbirth
The period following childbirth is usually not classified as a true “sexless marriage.” However, whether a new parent feels mentally and emotionally prepared for intimacy varies from person to person.
Factors such as the stress of caring for an infant, concerns about body image, exhaustion, and anxiety over the possibility of another pregnancy can all impact libido after having a child.
Stress
Excessive stress can severely impact your sex drive, largely due to the role of the stress hormone cortisol. Elevated cortisol levels lead to a decrease in sex hormones, which ultimately diminishes your sexual desire.
Beyond the physical impact of stress on reducing sex drive, its psychological effects can leave you feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and anxious, leaving little desire or energy for intimacy. This can contribute to a sexless marriage.
Communication Issues
Ineffective communication about sex can decrease sexual desire and arousal, while also affecting physiological responses such as lubrication, orgasm, and erectile function. Furthermore, these effects are typically more pronounced in married couples compared to those in dating relationships.
Erectile Dysfunction
Challenges in achieving or maintaining an erection can complicate sexual activity for various reasons. While erectile dysfunction (ED) is a common issue, it can also heighten anxiety and impact confidence and self-esteem.
Individuals experiencing ED symptoms should consult a physician to rule out underlying health conditions. Health issues that can contribute to ED include type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, chronic kidney disease, and heart disease.
Low Sex Drive
Low sex drive, sometimes referred to as hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), can affect both men and women. HSDD is characterized by a lack of sexual desire, thoughts, or fantasies, which results in personal distress.
Several factors can contribute to the development of HSDD, including depression, experiences of physical or sexual trauma, substance abuse or dependence, certain medications, and medical conditions that lead to low sexual desire, such as diabetes, hypertension, or metabolic syndrome.
Medication Side Effects
Numerous medications can lead to sexual side effects. Some drugs known to cause sexual dysfunction include:
- Antidepressants
- Antihistamines
- Chemotherapy agents
- High blood pressure medications (including diuretics)
- Hormonal treatments
- Nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drugs (NSAIDs)
- Opiates
- Parkinson’s disease medications
Mental Health Issues
Depression can manifest as low energy, loss of interest and pleasure, social withdrawal, and a depressed mood, all of which can affect one’s desire for sex and physical intimacy.
Other mental health conditions like bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and psychosis can also impair sexual desire, arousal, and satisfaction. Addressing these issues is crucial for managing a sexless marriage effectively.
History of Abuse
Experiencing past sexual abuse can have enduring effects on both current and future relationships. Emotional responses such as fear and shame, post-traumatic stress, and altered self-perception can significantly impact a person’s sexual life.
Life Circumstances
Various life factors and circumstances can influence how often individuals engage in sex with their partner, including:
- Aging
- Body image concerns
- Boredom
- Financial difficulties
- Grief
- Job loss
- Fatigue
Ways to Tackle a Sexless Marriage
If you’re in a low- or no-sex marriage, the initial step is to assess whether the lack of sex poses a problem in your relationship. Whether this is a concern is entirely up to you and your partner.
There is no definitive amount of sex required in a marriage. What often matters more is whether physical and emotional intimacy still exists with your partner and if both you and your partner feel content in the marriage.
Here are some ways you can address the lack of sex in your marriage if it’s a problem for you and your partner.
Open Communication
Engage in a conversation with your partner about the issue of low or no sex in your marriage. Although it may be challenging, this dialogue is crucial. One way to do this is by saying, “I have been feeling disconnected lately since we haven’t been as sexually active and I’d like to explore some ways to enhance our sexual connection. Would you be open to talking more about this? Starting a conversation in this way can help increase the chance that your partner will hear your concern whereas using accusatory language (e.g., “you are never in the mood anymore”) can come across as critical and evoke defensiveness. Even otherwise strong relationships can face challenges with sex and intimacy. This doesn’t necessarily indicate that your marriage is weak or in jeopardy.
During your discussion, try to identify ways you both believe can reignite your sex life. Any changes will be effective only if both of you agree to them and collaborate on making it happen.
Foster Intimacy
If you’ve decided to increase the frequency of sex, consider scheduling it. While it might seem unromantic, it can actually become exciting and meaningful if approached correctly. Scheduling creates anticipation and demonstrates a commitment to each other and your physical connection.
In addition to sex, it’s crucial to explore other avenues for fostering closeness, which is often diminished in low-sex or no-sex relationships. Remember that physical intimacy encompasses more than just sex. Make an effort to rekindle your love and reignite that special spark.
Emotional and physical closeness are crucial elements of a healthy relationship. It’s essential to remember that physical intimacy extends beyond just sex.
Spending quality time together—whether it’s snuggling on the couch watching TV or exchanging massages—helps build foundational intimacy. Consider incorporating these intimacy-building activities:
- Try a new hobby together.
- Engage in physical activities like taking a walk.
- Plan a vacation or getaway.
- Arrange for a staycation at home.
- Organize a regular date night.
Seek Assistance
Depending on the root causes, pursuing outside help might be beneficial. Consider attending a marriage retreat, workshop, or seminar to enhance communication and connection.
Consult a healthcare provider to address any medical conditions that might affect your sex life. Additionally, seek support from a mental health professional, either together or individually, to improve communication skills or learn stress management techniques.
If therapy seems like the right path, consider seeing a counselor specializing in sexual issues within marriage, such as a certified sex therapist. This professional can help you tackle obstacles hindering intimacy. Use these opportunities to strengthen and deepen your marriage.
Can a Sexless Marriage Result in Divorce?
Dissatisfaction with your sex life can cause problems in a relationship. It’s not necessarily the absence of sex that is the issue, but rather any dissatisfaction stemming from it.
If you feel unsatisfied with the frequency of sex in your relationship, you might question its sustainability. Deciding to end a marriage is complex, as numerous factors contribute to sexual satisfaction within a partnership, which can vary from individual to individual.
Steps to Take if You’re in a Sexless Marriage
Michele Weiner Davis, author of “Sex Starved Marriage,” explains why a low-sex marriage can become a significant issue. “[It’s] really about feeling wanted, feeling loved, feeling appreciated, and feeling connected,” she says.
Davis adds that when needs are unmet, it can lead to hurt, causing the bond between partners to weaken to the point of endangering the marriage.
Research indicates that lack of commitment, infidelity, and constant conflict are among the most common factors contributing to divorce.
If your partner does not acknowledge the issue or express a desire for change, you will need to decide whether a low- or no-sex marriage is a dealbreaker for you.
Keep in Mind
Whether a sexless marriage is a dealbreaker depends on the couple. If you feel dissatisfied with the amount of sex in your relationship, the first step is to communicate your feelings and then explore ways to achieve the level of intimacy both of you need to feel fulfilled.
There are numerous reasons why a relationship might become sexless, and many are treatable. Navigating sexual issues in a relationship can be challenging, but you don’t have to face them alone.
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